To Be Determined – Part 4


I woke up on Sunday morning, my mind a swirling maelstrom of emotions
and thoughts.  Lying in bed alone, I just wanted to turn to Rowdy and
say “Throw your arms around me,” but he wasn’t there.  I let
out a sigh and realized I was living in the shadow of the day.  Rowdy
was gone and I’d likely never hear from him again.

Lost emotions swept over me and I realized that Rowdy had shown me
something that I’d never experienced before, a real date.  Any
other time I’d gotten together with someone, it was a hook up. A
quick fuck-and-go was all I would allow myself.

Nowadays, to let your emotions go seemed like it would just make you
lovers in a dangerous time.  I tried to steel myself and get on with
my day, but I found myself curled up with my pillows and smelling the
one that Rowdy had slept on and then I was crying.

It had only been a few hours of harmless fun but yet it had shaken me
to my core.  I couldn’t imagine that someone so off-beat and silly
could have been such an amazing date. I realized that my mind was
stuck in a feedback loop and if I didn’t do something I’d wind up
laying in bed miserable all day.

I got up and stumbled into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast.
A couple of eggs and sausage were all I really felt like eating.  It
was as if life was black and white and Rowdy was the man of colors.

I didn’t want to be drinking on a Sunday, I felt myself drawn to
Jeff’s.  I didn’t want to see Rowdy I told myself, I wanted to
get some brunch and maybe a cocktail.  Besides, I told myself, after
the long day yesterday, I doubted that he’d be working the brunch

I talked myself out of brunch and told myself I’d go for dinner and
avoid the bar.  I’d get my work done and then I’d be free for the
evening. Two hours later, I found myself sitting at the bar staring
at the wall.  I was right in that Rowdy wasn’t working.  Hauling
myself off to one of the booths, I decided that I might as well eat a
real meal.  The menu didn’t really offer anything that jumped out
at me so I settled on the pot roast sandwich with mashed potatoes and
gravy.  Comfort food on a day when I needed comforting.

I mostly stared down at the table and tried not to think of Rowdy,
even his stupid name sounded cute now. I let out another big sigh
when I noticed someone standing at my table.  I looked up and saw my
friend Aaron standing there.  I motioned for him to sit down even
though I didn’t want him there.

“You look really down Shawn. Everything okay?”

As I told myself, I wouldn’t talk about Rowdy, I felt myself
wanting to talk about him.  I finally managed to give Aaron a brief
description of a generic date, hoping that would keep him occupied.

Of course, knowing Aaron and my lack of a ‘love life’ he had a
ton of questions which I didn’t feel like answering much less
explaining.  My lunch arrived and Aaron took it upon himself to order
some lunch for himself as well.

The conversation was kept to small talk with work even being off the
table.  We sat eating our lunch and having a couple of beers.  Aaron
kept needling me with questions about the date and what he was like.
I finally just stared down into my lunch and started eating it

Suddenly, Aaron tapped me on the arm.  Dude! he hissed and
pointed at the bar.

It took me a second to figure out what had suddenly captivated
Aaron’s attention so completely.

“Now, Shawn, there’s the kind of guy I could see you settling
down with.  Handsome, good looking, seems like a charming man.”

“You have no idea.” I said quietly to the table.

If Aaron hadn’t stayed sitting there and kept asking me questions,
I’d have been back home and drinking heavily.  I didn’t want to
see Rowdy.  I didn’t want Aaron drooling over him, Aaron was
actually making me jealous.  Was I jealous?  Was I being possessive
of Rowdy?

My brain slipped into the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts that I
had woken up with and I was trying to hide it for all it was worth.
Unfortunately, Aaron was able to put two and two together.

“You went out with Bryan?!”

I shushed him which was all the confirmation that Aaron needed.

“You did!  I think most of town has been trying to get into his
pants.  He turns everyone down.”

“Really?!” I squeaked. “He was fairly aggressive with me.” I
said as I looked up at Aaron.

“You don’t say?  Everyone I know or have heard talk about him,
you ask him out and he’ll politely decline.  We all thought he was
married or straight.”

I felt my face blush as I thought about the shower with Rowdy and
waking up next to him.

Aaron let out a giggle, “By the shade of your face, I’d have to
say he’s not straight.”

I could have slid under the table and died at that point.  My face
felt like it was on fire and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rowdy


Other Wednesday Briefers posting this week:


Mann Ramblings

Carol Pedroso

Kazy Reed

Cia Nordwell

Nephy Hart


Lynn Hayes

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